The Typical Campus Drinker

Surviving on campus always comes with its ups and downs; from exams, relationships, money and to the most notorious of them all: sweet ALCOHOL. Students love alcohol and alcohol loves students, it’s almost like a perfect give and take relationship with high dependence on each other.

Alcohol is regarded highly among its faithful followers as the only way to unwind and have ultimate fun. It is a culture that is soon embraced by the naïve and green freshmen that are always ready to experience life on the Upper East Side (campus). Every drinker has their unique habits and the typical campus drinker has his too.

1.       Drinks cheap liquor

Not every student who desires alcohol can afford expensive drinks like Johnny Walker or Amarulla but HURRAY! to the alcohol industry for providing us with many choices that are friendly to the pocket.

Due to the status quo, some high and mighty students who find themselves so broke that they have to resort to cheap drinks like Kibao keep their ‘precious’ bottle under the table or somewhere in a dark corner to avoid public embarrassment and humiliation.

2.       Drinks and dashes

This is an art that has been perfected by the female campus drinker. They know just who to corner and when to take off.

She finds herself a ‘rich’ student admirer and squeezes a few bottles of Smirnoff vodka out of him.  As it is the way of the world the buyer assumes that there is nothing like free booze unless she has something to offer him. He excitedly calls his roommate and demands that he vacates the room because he is bringing home some chips funga.

But the female drinker being as educated and tactful as she is, soon disappears among the drunken crowds to hunt for another fat pocket because she is still not high.

“You cannot afford to be choosy, sometimes looks are thrown out through the window when you see the size of his pocket,” a friend once confessed.

3.         Can still get drunk even when penniless

A pauper may sleep hungry a few nights but lack of money has never stopped a typical campus drinker from becoming insanely drunk.

He goes to the club with one sole purpose: to prey on the unattended liquor.  All he needs is a plastic tumbler and quick long hands, and sometimes a sweet tongue in case he is caught in the act.

He moves from one table to the next, desperately searching for an ‘abandoned’ drink or a ‘giving drinker’ who understands the phrase ‘give and it shall be given unto you.’ The cocktail that results from this artful begging and stealing can do wonders to the human body.

By the end of the night, such bona fide predators are the most drunk in the club, they even start hurling abuses at the source of their drink. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you!

4.       Can stumble and fall, but still save the drink

…what’s in my cup stays in my cup, in my cup stays in my cup, my drink is in my cup. Richie Loops might as well be made a hero for singing such thoughtful lines. Protecting what you hold most dear may mean something different to a campus drinker.

The bottle is precious to him and protecting it from crashing into pieces and spilling its valuable contents he must. God forbid if it were to slip from his tenacious grip…the whole bar would be plunged into total chaos!

5.       Fights with unmatched madness regardless of gender

It has been said that the ugliest brawls are between people of the opposite gender. The campus drinker has no self-restraint, be it a male student fighting a female student or vice versa. All sense and decency is lost as they pummel each other and even seek supporting materials like bottles.

The cause of such fights can be as petty as a body touch or just a stare. Once while on a drinking spree with my girlfriends I accidentally pushed a drunken comrade. Little did I know that I had opened the Pandora’s Box of rage. Had it not been for the police who arrived courtesy of Mututho Laws, I would have earned a black eye, a broken lip and even a couple of scratches on the face.

Any gentleman or ladylike qualities are abandoned the moment the alcohol hits the brain and the campus drinker transforms into a complete savage.

6.       Dances to gospel music in the club

Jimmy Gait and MOG are celebrities in churches and clubs alike. When it comes to the new generation of gospel music, there are no boundaries as to where they should be played. When a campus drinker is high on his fix, unusual things tend to happen. This is the time she or he pulls the explicit bend-over style while drunkenly singing along to Jimmy Gait’s furi furi blasting from the club stereo. “You do much for me…that nobody can…that’s why I furi furi dance…” Sure God is omnipresent!